BEERGASM. (I'll have what he's having)

So, I was at work speaking with a co-worker (fellow beer nerd) and we were talking about one of our favorite beers Schneider Aventinus (weizen bock) and she made it a point to tell me how it was the first ever beer that gave her her first ever "beer-gasm". I was taken back by the statement at first......but then I thought about it for a while. After some deep thought, I was able to think back to a handful of times in my life where I believe I had legitimate beergasms, similar to what she spoke of.

How can I describe the "beergasm"? I don't think it's the violent "turtle-necking" situation that is associated with the other "gasm", but I do believe it is a full body experience. Let's face it, alcohol is a drug (no shit) and it can affect you as such. While it doesn't offer the immediate euphoria of something like heroine or cocaine, there are those times where I do get all tingly, and what not. I remember watching the A&E show "Intervention" one time, and a heroin addict was describing how when they shoot up it's like a massive calm all of the sudden hits them and it slowly goes from their heads, all the way down to their toes. Well, I'm not going to lie and say that doesn't happen to me every now and then when I get a top notch beer,...........because it does happen. Now, it's not like that with every beer, and I'm not "chasing that high" every day, but when it does happen, I really like to sit back, remain motionless, not talk to anyone.....and just let out a big ol' "ahhhhhhh". Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't ask me "is it good?". Just let me *be* for 5 minutes and bask in my complete, euphoric, beergasmness.

How does it start/How do I get there? Well it needs to be a "big beer", generally a Belgian, an imperial stout, or the occasional big barleywine. It needs to be something with a lot of stuff going on. I'd say I've reached beergasm through Belgians more than anything else. The setting has to be right, you have to be in the mood to get the beergasm, and you have to be excited for the possibility. I'm not trying for a lame pun, but it's like when you eat something that "really hits the spot". I am in the mood and in the position (hehehe) to sit down and really relax and drink my beer, and appreciate all its yumminess. I don't think I've ever beergasm'd in a bar or at a friends house, or at a party of any sort. And while I'm sure they've happened, I also can't think of any recent beergasms with anyone else in the room. A beergasm is a special moment between a man and his beer.

Recent: Beergasms:

What: Achel Extra
Where: My room in Maastricht, The Netherlands, May-ish 2009.

I was treating myself to either an after finals, or an after thesis treat and was just relaxing in my room watching a movie on my laptop. I took a sip and proceeded to melt into my chair and become unconscious for the next 10 minutes. Time and space seemed to lapse momentarily. When I came to, I wasn't sure where I was, my hair was matted, my shirt untucked, and I was only wearing one sock. My glass was half empty and I assumed that I was the one who drank it....but who knows? I felt like I just had a really nice, comfortable nap on a cool, fall day. You know the one where you are awake in your head, but your muscles are telling you to just lay down for another half an hour or so? Yeah, that's the one.


What: JW Lees Harvest Ale (2000)
Where: Living room, writing on my blog. Weldon Spring, Missouri. February 2010.

Wanted something top notch to start off the blog (read the post here) and went ahead and spent 8 bucks on a 12 ounce bottle of beer. I didn't pass out from this, as it was more of a tear-filled, heavily involved, beergasm. Every sense was tuned in as I tasted something like 232423098 different flavors, with a new one seemingly popping in with every sip. It was complex, it was smooth, it was boozy, it was warming, and it was pure velvet. It was worth every penny, and lived up to every single review and expectation I had. I remember my arms were flailing out in front of me, like I was reaching for something with my eyes closed, but I just kept only coming up with air. It was exhausting to say the least, but I believe I came through the experience a better man and a better beer drinker.

I'm not sure if any of you have been there, or if any of you love beer enough to ever reach the pinnacle of beer satisfaction. It doesn't happen often, and it's not something you can force. The stars have to align and have to just allow nature to take it's course. It may hurt at first, and it may not last as long as you would want, but I can assure you it will only get better. I wish I could predict when exactly it would happen, but I've had enough beer to know that it's hard to predict it, or even expect it. Oh well.

So there you have it, I've tried my best to put you into the mind of someone having a beergasm, and I only hope that you can either relate, or have your first one, soon. It is a beautiful thing.

Unibroue - La Fin Du Monde

Ahh yes, one of my favorite beers. Word to the wise....nearly anything Unibroue makes (outside of their fruit flavored stuff) is good. As far as North American breweries that make a large amount of traditional Belgian-style beers......Unibroue might be the best. Better yet, they are becoming easier and easier to find, as I generally buy mine at Dierberg's grocery stores in the St. Louis area. Also, it's generally a lot cheaper than the authentic belgians, as a 750ml bottle can usually be found for around 7 bucks, and a 4 pack for around 10 bucks. Finally, I try to use this as a sort of "gateway beer" when I want to get someone to step up from good beer, to high level Belgian ales. You'll freak someone out if you give them this after they've been sucking down Bud Light Lime for awhile, but if a person can stomach real beer, especially wheats, have them step up and give this a shot.

I usually do the 750ml bottles for Belgians, but my circumstances required me to settle for a four pack of 12oz bottles. Cool bottle with La Fin Du Monde on the label (meaning: "end of the world"). Bottle says 9% abv and I'm pouring it into a La Chouffe tulip as the bottle has a picture recommending a tulip shaped glass. (A lot of good beers will have a picture of both the glassware that should be used, as well as the proper serving temperature) I'm serving this at around 45 degrees F. Beer Advocate calls this a "tripel", but I think it might just be a "belgian strong ale", as I find a lot of tripels to be a touch more bitter than this. But calling it a tripel isn't completely retarded.

Pours a real cloudy, orangy-golden color. A 2 finger white head comes in but goes back quickly to a decent soapiness. Pretty good amount of bubbles as well. Very murky beer. Looks almost chewy......which is a good thing. There's certainly sediment in this beer, but I haven't poured any of it out into the glass, yet.

Smell is citrus, lemon zest, orange juice, and bubble gum like you'd find in a wheat. From the look and the first smell, you'd almost think this was a wheat beer. There's a touch of spice in there, apparently they brew it with coriander, which may give it that spiciness. This is why I wouldn't call it a "tripel" as all this sweetness isn't usually found. No alcohol in the nose.

First drink is bubbly, citrusy, heavy and chewy, and with more of a booze presence than you get in the smell. It starts with a sharp, refreshing carbonation on your tongue, then you get a bit of an orange peel sensation on the middle of your tongue....but that doesn't last very long. The "chewiness" comes next with a nice, heavy dose of malt on the sides of your tongue, and you get a nice warming booze in the finish. The spice (coriander) is in the aftertaste for me. It's way too heavy and high in abv to be "refreshing", but it does have a certain crispness to it, that probably comes from the carbonation and the nice spice at the end. As it gets a bit warmer the orange starts to turn into a touch of lemon. There is a touch of dryness with the alcohol in the finish, but there isn't a ton of bitterness or hop presence. The hops are there in the background no doubt, but that's not the point of this beer.

This is a very very tasty beer. There are a lot of fun little subtleties in it, and you almost forget that it's a really top notch, well crafted beer whenever I drink it, due to the fact that it's becoming easier to find and it's reasonably priced. For top notch golden Belgian ales (tripel or not) it's hard not to put this among some of the top notch ones, even the authentic ones. This is well thought out, well crafted beer that's complex enough to be fun to drink, but never overwhelming. For having a ton of malt, they don't try to hide the sweetness, but keep it reasonable with letting you get different sensations of citrus, banana, wheat, and top it off with a present but balanced alcohol.

Me likey.

Verdict: 8.5/10

Summer Beers that don't suck.

Alrighty, I know it's not summer quite YET, but the weather is getting nicer, and outdoor activities will only increase in the coming weeks and months. For that you need to make sure you prepare yourselves accordingly. That means you need to get your hands on the best summer-brews possible. I got a handful here that I'm going to recommend that I think fit the "summer beer" mold quite well. Now remember, some of you guys think you are drinking "light" beer because of the color of these brews, or because it's a crisper, fruitier taste on your tongue........which is only half true. I guess you could call the taste of these beers "light", but in terms of calories or filling you up, these beers are no lighter than the the "darker" beers that you believe to be heavier. But that shouldn't be a problem, as if you are reading this you probably abhor shitty light beer and realize that all good beer is going to be "heavy" and high in calories. It's just a fact of life.

If I'm getting a beer for an outdoor event on a nice day, BBQ, whatever......I'm looking for the following characteristics:

Crispness - the flavor doesn't sit and linger for a while, it makes you want to drink more and doesn't feel like it's bogging you down.

Citrus - I like a touch of citrus, where possible. This is usually refreshing and citrus isn't something that will linger for too long (see above).

Decent price - Summer brews are meant to be enjoyed outside, with friends, and most likely consumed more frequently than a really chewy, complex ale. I want to get my summer brews in six-packs (at least) as I plan on having more than 1-2 at a time.

Simplicity - Kind of like crispness, these aren't beers I want to drink while sitting inside while agonizing over every little detail of the brew. I'm not looking (as hard) for hidden flavors, or things to open up as they get warmer. I want a good, clean flavor, but nothing that's going to require a ton of thought.

Drinkability - This goes with all the other characteristics from above, but I want something I can have 4-5 of and not be (a) shitfaced and (b) so overwhelmed with the flavor where I need to start drinking water or have to switch up styles. ABV under 6% is a must here.

So now that we have THAT out of the way, here's a list of stuff I think are "musts" for the summer.

BELL'S-OBERON ALE

Absolutely fabulous beer, and one of the, if not THE best spring/summer beer around. It's a wheat beer, but I believe it's brewed with some more traditional "ale" characteristics as well, and you get just a hint more hop bitterness in the finish than you would in a normal wheat. It has a touch of citrus notes to it and all the characteristics you look for in a good summer wheat such as the aforementioned citrus, as well as a nice refreshing crispness in every sip. There's not too much flavor that's going to overpower you, but they do a nice job of keeping it really drinkable while keeping a great, full taste. Remember, a lot of these beers are meant to be had 3-4 at a time, so they aren't made to be overwhelming. This isn't a ridiculously hard to find beer, but it's not going to be at too many grocery stores, either. I'd say if a place has a "good" beer selection, they'd have this available. It's usually around 10 bucks a six pack, give or take a dollar. There's a touch more alcohol in this as it's 5.8% abv, but you're not going to notice it unless you polish off a whole six pack by yourself, which is entirely possible at a barbecue/picnic.


HOEGAARDEN - ORIGINAL WHITE

The original Belgian Wit. Stop drinking Blue Moon, and drink the beer that Blue Moon tried to emulate. This beer is a quintessential Belgian White (wheat beer). Citrusy, refreshing with hints of lemon and orange, smooth but with enough carbonation to keep it crisp. If you think about it, you can also pick up a bit of peppery bitterness to it as well which gives it a touch of unique character. It's certainly on the sweet and possibly, at times, "sour" side of things, but it's not all that over-powering. Very drinkable with a ton of flavor, and one of the beers that I would actually recommend serving a bit colder than most top notch brews. This is becoming easier and easier to find and it's even becoming pretty fairly priced. I picked my last sixer up from a grocery store for only 8 bucks, which is about what Blue Moon is being priced at. This is what a real Belgian White tastes like and you'll realize that after nearly 600 years of brewing, that Hoegaarden probably has their recipe pretty much locked in by now. You can put a lemon in this, if you want, but I have absolutely no clue why you'd need this any sweeter/lemony, unless you don't actually like the taste of beer and/or you suck at life.

SIERRA NEVADA-SUMMERFEST LAGER

This is listed on beeradvocate.com as a "Czech Pilsner" but I think they have their heads up their ass, and I'd call this a "Kolsch", instead. (Kolsch is essentially the German version of a "summer beer") This beer is all about being refreshing, crisp, and extremely drinkable. This is an extremely simple style, and they don't try to blow anything up your ass with any sort of weird characteristics. This style was essentially made for Germans to have something easy to drink in warmer weather, and drink a lot of it. There may be some citrus notes in there, not all that much fruitiness/sweetness, and the occasional fair amount of hop-bitterness that acts more as a refreshing bite than some sort of lingering notion. This particular take on a Kolsch is my personal favorite version of the style, and the most refreshing "beer" I've ever had. It's far far too easy to drink. If you ever want to get a macro-brew drinking friend to switch over from their usual swill, this may be the first beer I would recommend you to give them. If someone can't stomach this very simple, very refreshing beer, then they can just go to hell as it doesn't get any easier drinking than this.


SCHLAFLY-KOLSCH (you might see it some places as "Summer Kolsch"...same thing)

Yes, I know I already listed a Kolsch, but I think this is a pretty solid beer as well. This is very similar to the Sierra Nevada, but I think this one has just a touch more "going on". It's still very crisp, with some background notes of citrus, but I think this one maybe offers a little more maltiness which gives you a touch of deeper sweetness. I will be honest in that I think that this version is just a tiny, eensy-weensy step below the Sierra Nevada Summerfest but this is much easier to find as it's (a) produced not just in the summer and (b) carried by quite a few places in the Missour area. It's also fairly cheap as well, you can get it for the same price as pretty much any other Schlafly product......8 bucks or so per sixer. At the end of the day this is a great summer beer as it meets the criteria I listed above. I recommend.


Last but not least, I know I didn't get into HUGE beer nerd with this post as summer brews focus more on volume, but that doesn't mean that you have to be barbaric while drinking them. I'd still recommend the basic serving tips as in ALWAYS pour your beer into a glass whenever possible, and while these beers are going to be served a touch colder than your top-notch ales, by no means do you want to put them in a frosted glass. Once again, there is not one reputable brewer that will ever, in any circumstances, recommend that you drink their beer out of a bottle when there is glassware available.


Cheers, bitchez.

Michelob - Hop Hound, Amber Wheat

Well, I actually am giving an effort to try some of the "craft beers" that the big boys (namely Anheuser Busch) are putting out. This here would be the "Hop Hound" Amber Wheat that they say is made by Michelob....maybe to try and think it has more legitimacy than something made by Budweiser. Whatever. While I'm going to be objective with this beer, I am not going to go lightly on the god-awful label this thing has. Really? A dog with 1980's style sunglasses holding a fucking frisbee? You actually had someone that wasn't a 12 year old girl design this? Are you sure it wasn't from some freaking clip art file that came with the latest edition of Microsoft Works that was bundled with your new Dell? These are the same marketing guys that used to absolutely dominate commercials and billboards, a marketing team that would sometimes get as much recognition during the Super Bowl as the actual game itself. Now it's gone back to that powerhouse canine mentality that used to be the shit during the days of Spuds Mckenzie (2 decades ago).

Alright, the beer. 12oz bottle poured into a pint glass. Bottle says it's 5.3% alcohol and that it's essentially a wheat beer, but with a nice hop presence and a "caramel, malty taste". We'll see.

Pours a...not quite amber, but a bit darker than a normal wheat. A pretty good, fluffy, 2-finger, white head, stays for a fair amount of time. Color is closer to a pale ale, and it is a touch cloudy, which makes sense as the bottle says it's "unfiltered". There is a touch of sediment in the bottle as well which may add to the cloudiness if you pour it all in at once like I just did.

Smell is that of a wheat, not like a big hefeweizen, but almost a lighter version in that it still has some of the banana-like sweetness. Sweet wheat is there and it has just a touch of floral hops....maybe some grapefruit.

Taste is dominated by the malt. Not dominated as in it's super malty, just that it's what's the most present. In terms of what the bottle says to expect, they were right in that regard. There is a touch of hops in it as well, the bitterness really tries to get through, but its really hard to find. This beer is a sweet-wheat, and while the hops are "there" to call it hop-hound is a bit stupid in my opinion. There are a lot of wheat beers out there with a greater hop presence that don't try and tell you how hoppy they are. Finish is kinda ehhh....you'd think if a beer was pimping their hops that's what they'd finish with, but it's the malt that stays there and just slowly fades away. What's left on your tongue is the aftertaste of a "lighter" wheat beer. The overall taste is alright, not great or much above "ok". The only real part I can say I specifically want to avoid is the aftertaste.....it's this funky (bad funky) feeling like you get with a lot of AB products. Drinkable brew, though.

This isn't so bad, not all that "good" but not bad. I may, though like the Bud Light Golden Wheat a bit more than this though, as this is just as thin and light on the tongue, and I could probably drink more of the BL Golden Wheat if I wanted to pound all day at a barbecue or something. I wouldn't go out of your way to order it at a bar or drive around town finding it, but if it's on sale or on special at your drinking hole, then go for it.

Verdict: 5.5/10

Schlafly Holiday Ale - Culinaria

The only place where I've seen this available is at the gift store in the Schlafly Bottleworks. I went there for a tour for my b-day and wanted to see if I could get something that wasn't widely available in the stores. The bottle says it's a collaboration ale with "Culinaria" which I guess is a division of Schnucks grocery stores. I imagine it might be available at some Schnucks places......but like I said, I'm not 100% sure.

Either way, it's a 750ml bottle that's got a normal cap on it, no cork. I think I paid $8.99 for this, which isn't too bad. Bottle says this is a bottle conditioned "old ale", but for some reason I'm just thinking this will be a "bigger" english ale. (Turns out I was right...I'm such a bad ass.) 8% abv, poured into a big wine glass, well the biggest wine glass I had. After drinking this, I'm not sure why a regular pint glass wouldn't be just fine.

Pours a pretty deep amber, maybe even a bit muddy with a good size tan head (with an aggressive pour). Foam goes down quite quickly and leaves some decent lacing. Also to note there is more carbonation than I'd expect in this type of beer.

Smell is a relaxing, boozy sweetness. That's a good start for a supposedly wintery beer. The sweetness is very present, but it stays on the light side - green apple, grape, maybe a bit of strawberry with the alcohol staying present. The only part of "old ale" that comes through is a bit of musty, leathery funk in the end. Not "funk" in a bad way like old basketball shoes, but a bit of character, is all.

Taste unfortunately is nowhere near as fun as the smell. The booze is present (although stronger than necessary at only 8% abv). The rest is a bit thin on the tongue with nothing much else to speak of. I'm thinking at first maybe it's a bit cold. After it warms up a t ouch there is a bit more sweetness, malt, and some of that grape and apple that you can smell up front. It's all still very light, though. I let it get even warmer, and while the sweetness comes in a bit more it never overtakes the booziness of it, and it all remains thin. The reviews I read of this beer said the alcohol was hidden, I'd say I would respectfully disagree. As I finish it up I start picking up a dry finish as it gets towards room temp, and maybe some toastiness, and maybe some biscuit. Also, there is quite a bit of sediment (bottle conditioned, remember) sitting at the end of the bottle, which makes me even more curious as to how this could remain so thin.

Well, the conclusion is me being a bit disappointed. The beer looked the part, had it's cute little story on the back and really tried to make me excited to try it, which I was. Unfortunately there was just nothing to it other than the alcohol and a bit of the sweet flavors that you get with an average english/old "ale". Only problem is those things didn't get in the way of the alcohol, which at 8% should be present, but not be nearly as dominant as it was here. I guess it wasn't over the top booze, but there was nothing else to combat it. No sweet, no fruit, no malt, no significant bitterness, nothing. I guess I'm going on and on, but I'm just a bit pissed that this is all I got out of some sort of special edition collaboration ale. There's nothing super "bad" about this and none of the tastes make you make a bad face or whatever, it's definitely "drinkable".....it's just nowhere near the 9 bucks I paid for it, and there is certainly nothing that makes it worth the price or effort to find a supposedly exclusive beer. This is the third "special edition" or whatever Schlafly that I've purchased and I have yet to be impressed. In terms of everyday drinking beers, their selection can hang with Boulevard, but when it comes to the high-dollar line of ales, Boulevard bends them over the table, no contest.

Verdict: 6/10.